Discover the signs of chronic people pleasing, especially for highly sensitive empaths. Learn how adapting to fit in, over-apologizing, and putting others first impacts your well-being, and explore steps to set healthy boundaries and embrace your authentic self.
Estimated reading time: 7 minutes
Alright, let’s dive into something that I know many of us—especially those who identify as highly sensitive empaths—can deeply relate to: people pleasing. It’s a term that gets thrown around a lot, but for those of us who live it, it’s more than just a personality quirk. It’s an entire way of being that often leads to feelings of exhaustion, emotional burnout, and the constant suppression of our true selves.
People pleasing goes beyond just being “nice” or “considerate.” At its core, it stems from a deep-rooted need for approval and acceptance. It can often manifest in subtle ways, like apologizing unnecessarily or constantly putting others’ needs ahead of your own. These behaviors are often so ingrained that you may not even realize you’re doing them—until one day, the weight of it becomes too much.
Today, I want to share my personal journey with people pleasing, how it has impacted me as a highly sensitive person, and what I’ve learned along the way. I hope that by sharing my experience, you’ll recognize some of these patterns in yourself and begin the journey to healing and setting healthier boundaries.
Adapting to Fit In: The First Sign of People Pleasing
Looking back, my people-pleasing tendencies started early. As a highly sensitive child, I felt everything deeply—every emotion, every shift in the energy around me. And I didn’t understand why others didn’t feel as intensely as I did. To make sense of it, I began to hide away my sensitivity, trying to fit in and blend with the group.
This is a classic sign of people pleasing: adapting to fit the mold of others. For highly sensitive people (HSPs), we often think that our sensitivity is a weakness. We hide it, push it down, and try to be “normal.” But in doing so, we lose touch with who we really are.
When you’re constantly adapting to others, it becomes easy to lose sight of your own needs and desires. You stop checking in with yourself, and instead, you focus on how you can make others feel comfortable. This is something many empaths and highly sensitive people – but also people on the autistic spectrum or with ADHD experience—we sense what others need and instinctively adjust ourselves to match that. But this comes at a cost: we sacrifice our authenticity for the sake of belonging.
Over-Apologizing: A Need for Validation
One of the more obvious signs of people pleasing is the constant apologizing. For me, this looked like apologizing for the smallest things—bumping into someone, disagreeing, or even for things that weren’t my fault. It became a habit, an automatic response to any situation where I felt I might have inconvenienced someone, even in the slightest way.
This over-apologizing is rooted in a need for external validation. When we say sorry too often, we are essentially asking for reassurance that we’re still accepted and that we haven’t upset anyone. It’s also a sign that we’re hyper-aware of other people’s boundaries but often neglect our own.
A crucial insight I gained along the way is that constant apologizing is often unnecessary and diminishes our sense of self-worth. Most of the time, the situation doesn’t even require an apology—it’s just our people-pleasing instinct kicking in, trying to smooth over any potential conflict or discomfort.
Putting Others’ Needs Above Your Own
Another common sign of people pleasing is prioritizing the needs of others over your own. This one was a huge part of my life for a long time. For example, if someone asked where I wanted to go for dinner, I would always defer to their preference. I didn’t even consider what I wanted because I was so focused on making sure they were happy.
This behavior is deeply connected to a fear of rejection. We avoid expressing our own needs out of fear that we’ll come across as demanding or that we’ll be rejected for being “too much.” For HSPs and empaths, this fear can be particularly intense because we’re so attuned to the emotional responses of others. We don’t want to cause discomfort, so we minimize our own desires.
What I’ve learned is that by constantly putting others first, we diminish our sense of self-worth. Over time, this leads to frustration, resentment, and a deep disconnect from our own needs and desires. Learning to honor what you want isn’t selfish—it’s essential for your well-being.
Struggling to Speak Up: Fear of Conflict
One of the hardest parts of being a people pleaser is the inability to speak up when someone crosses a boundary. If someone hurt my feelings or said something unkind, I would freeze up, unable to assert myself in the moment. Instead, I would replay the situation over and over in my head, wondering what I should have said or done. But in the moment? Silence.
This is a classic sign of people pleasing—the avoidance of conflict at all costs. And this avoidance usually comes from a deep fear of rejection. We don’t want to risk the relationship by speaking up, so we let the hurt linger inside, unaddressed.
But here’s the hard truth: avoiding conflict doesn’t protect relationships; it erodes them. Unspoken frustrations build up, and eventually, they explode in unhealthy ways. Speaking up, while scary, is the only way to build healthy, honest relationships.
The Struggle to Accept Help
Perhaps one of the most surprising signs of people pleasing is the struggle to accept help. Even when someone offers support, there’s this immediate response of, “Are you sure? I don’t want to be a burden.” For me, it took years to realize that this hesitation came from a deep-seated belief that I wasn’t worthy of receiving help without being a bother.
This reluctance to accept help is often rooted in low self-worth. We feel like we have to earn the support of others, and accepting it without question feels like we’re asking for too much. But here’s the thing: accepting help is an essential part of healthy relationships. It allows us to be vulnerable, to trust others, and to recognize that we are worthy of care and support.
Moving Forward from People Pleasing
These signs of people pleasing are just the beginning of the journey toward healing. Recognizing them is the first step, but change doesn’t happen overnight. For those of us who are highly sensitive, setting boundaries and prioritizing our own needs can feel uncomfortable, but it’s vital for our mental and emotional health.
If you’re interested in diving deeper into this topic, I highly recommend checking out Dr. Valentina Buscemi’s work on people pleasing and perfectionism inside our Ideal Self Plus membership. There’s so much to learn about how these behaviors are connected to chronic pain, fatigue, and overall well-being.
So, can you relate? What signs of people pleasing have you noticed in yourself? I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences as we navigate this together. Make sure to check out our resources and start taking those first steps toward a healthier, more authentic life.
In this article, we collaborated with AI, meaning that the input and stories are real, but the blog itself has been created with support from AI.
