Feeling the pressure to decide whether or not to embrace motherhood? In this honest reflection, a 33-year-old HSP shares her own journey.
Estimated reading time: 6 minutes
When you’re a highly sensitive person, the decision whether or not to have children can feel like one of the most overwhelming choices in life. As a 33-year-old woman, this topic has been on my mind a lot. And recently, while listening to the Dutch podcast De Eierwekker (translated: The Egg Timer), I finally found some clarity in the noise. It inspired me to share my thoughts, in hopes that it might help you if you’re standing at a similar crossroads.
On a side note: Of course, deciding whether or when to have children is a deeply personal choice, and I want to gently acknowledge that for some women, this decision is complicated by fertility struggles. If that’s you, I just want to say: I see you.
Child-free life or motherhood? Here’s what you’ll discover:
- Why there’s so much pressure to decide on Motherhood
- The Egg Timer: A podcast that opened my eyes
- Men have a biological clock too… but no one talks about it!
- Letting go of the career-before-kids timeline
- Understanding fertility and age: a more balanced view
- So… where do I stand now?
- For you, if you’re unsure…
Why there’s so much pressure to decide on Motherhood
Ever since I got married, I felt the silent (yet somehow very loud) expectation that motherhood would naturally follow. But for my husband and me, life had other plans. We bought a fixer-upper home and have spent the last years slowly renovating it together. And as fellow highly sensitive people, we know how much our environment impacts our energy. Starting a family while still living in a half-finished home simply doesn’t feel right to us.
Yet, even with this valid reason, I noticed how the societal pressure to “start trying” kept creeping in, especially now that I’m in my thirties. There’s this ticking sound you start to hear. But is it your biological clock… or the pressure of other people’s expectations?
There’s often this invisible pressure from society that assumes having children is just a simple step you choose, but for many women, it’s not that straightforward. Some may long for children but face unexpected fertility challenges, which can add a whole new layer of emotional complexity to these conversations that society does not talk about enough.
The Egg Timer: A podcast that opened my eyes
Listening to De Eierwekker, hosted by Dide Vonk, was a breath of fresh air for me in the decision process. Dide created the podcast to help herself decide whether or not she wanted to try having children, and in doing so, she interviewed people from all walks of life, women with kids, women without kids, women who were still undecided. And so many of her questions were the same ones that had been spinning in my mind.
One of the most eye-opening moments? Learning that the term “biological clock” wasn’t coined by a medical expert, but by a male journalist in the 1970s. Yes, really. It spread in response to more women prioritizing their careers. That alone says a lot about how the pressure around motherhood is often built on outdated societal expectations, not hard facts.
Men have a biological clock too… but no one talks about it!
Another thing I didn’t know: men’s fertility declines too. After 40 years, sperm quality begins to decrease, and this can have an impact on the health of a pregnancy and the baby. And yet, the pressure to “decide in time” seems to fall entirely on women’s shoulders. Men, on the other hand, are often told they have endless time and can pursue their careers without that pressure.
Hearing that was such a wake-up call. It made me realize how much of the pressure I felt was conditioned, not necessarily truth.
Letting go of the career-before-kids timeline
One of my biggest personal blocks was the belief that I needed to have my career 100% figured out before I could become a mom. That it had to be either/or, motherhood or entrepreneurship. But then one of the podcast guests said something that completely reframed this for me:
“If motherhood meant the end of your career, we wouldn’t have any successful mothers running businesses.”
And of course, that’s not true. There are so many inspiring women who are doing both. It helped me realize that I can continue building my dreams, even with a child. That I don’t have to “race” toward a finished version of success before I can start a new chapter in life. There’s space for both.
Understanding fertility and age: a more balanced view
When you turn 35, it’s easy to feel like a fertility alarm clock is suddenly ringing in your ears. We’ve all heard the narrative that fertility “dramatically drops” after this age, and while yes, it’s true that fertility gradually declines as we age, the full story is often more nuanced than what we hear in mainstream media. Many women in their mid to late 30s, and even early 40s, go on to have healthy pregnancies. Studies show that while the chances of conception do decrease somewhat after 35, it’s far from impossible… and certainly not a reason to panic.
That said, I want to be sensitive to the fact that some women, regardless of age, struggle with fertility, and hearing about timelines and chances can feel incredibly heavy. If that’s you, please know that your feelings are valid, and that you’re not alone in this.
Your fertility journey is unique, and your timeline doesn’t need to match anyone else’s. Personally, I found it comforting to see just how many women around me, in real life and online, became mothers later in life, on their own terms. If trying to become a parent is part of your path, know that there are still many options and possibilities available to you, also beyond age 35. Let’s normalize taking the time to decide when (and if) we’re truly ready, instead of rushing into decisions based on fear or external pressure.
So… where do I stand now?
After listening to all those stories and reflecting deeply, I’ve come to this: there’s no rush. And there’s no right answer that fits everyone. Whether you choose a child-free life or motherhood, it’s deeply personal. What I do know is that I’ll feel it in my heart when the time is right. And if that time doesn’t come, or if my body has different plans, that’s okay too. Releasing the pressure has brought me peace. It allowed me to listen to my own voice underneath all the noise. And for that, I’m truly grateful.
For you, if you’re unsure…
If you’re currently wrestling with the question of whether to become a parent or not, know that you’re not alone. As HSPs, we feel the weight of these decisions so deeply. And it’s okay to take your time. To listen. To not rush.
Whether you’re certain you want kids, considering a child-free life, navigating fertility challenges, or just unsure: your experience is valid. There’s no one-size-fits-all when it comes to this part of life, and whatever path you’re on, I hope you feel supported, seen and free to decide what’s best for you.
