Are you feeling unhappy with your partner and wondering whether you’re in a toxic relationship? In this article, guest writer Elizabeth Shields shares 5 typical signs that your relationship is toxic.

Estimated reading time: 7 minutes

No relationship is a bed of roses in real life. Although efforts are being made to build better relationships, there will be ups and downs and everything in between. But for the most part, a healthy and happy relationship should always make you feel safe, appreciated, respected, and secure. 

But when it seems like you’re walking on eggshells, physically and emotionally exhausted from doing things to please people or find yourself at the receiving end of verbal abuses or demeaning remarks that make you doubt yourself and question your self-worth, you’re probably on the other side — a toxic relationship.

Unfortunately, toxic relationships don’t only happen with romantic partners. They’re everywhere — in the workplace, in friendships, and believe it or not, even in your family.

In this article, you’ll learn which signs to watch out for when it comes to being in a toxic relationship.

My Own Experience With Toxic Relationships

As a child, I always felt like a misfit. I felt that I couldn’t do anything right. Everything I did was enough to make a loved one think less of me or, sometimes, explode in anger. And who could blame them? It was my fault, and they had all the valid reasons to do what they did. I should have never done this or that, said this or that to upset them. Or perhaps I could have done better in school, could have been more special.

I was led to believe that they were only doing it out of love, disciplining me, and motivating me to aim higher and never rest on my laurels. So, I did everything I could to excel in school and later in life. I gave as much as I could and helped as much as possible, but they were still unhappy. Yet, I still got hurt. I still wasn’t special.

It was refreshing to discover and be a part of loving relationships that did not subject me to that kind of pain as an adult. This enlightening revelation led me to unpack and process my emotions. 

As part of my healing process, I wanted to know more about a toxic relationship and the warning signs to look out for, so I never have to go through that again. Here’s what I learned:

#1 There Is No Give or Take

Toxic relationships often involve a power struggle, and you always find yourself at the losing end of things. You give everything but get nothing but the bare minimum. On the other hand, a toxic person or relationship feels entitled. He or she takes and takes without being willing to give anything in return. They make you feel responsible about their needs and guilt-trip you.

No matter how much you love someone, sorry to break it to you, but it’s not worth it. It traps you in a vicious cycle that’s impossible to keep up with. This cycle will leave you feeling drained, burnt out, miserable, and resentful. 

#2 You Begin to Doubt Yourself and Lose Confidence

A healthy relationship empowers you, lets strengths shine, and brings out the best in you, but also lets you know it’s okay to make mistakes and mess up sometimes. On the flip side, a toxic one fosters a feeling of worthlessness, shamefulness, insecurity, and powerlessness. They often make this happen by:

Purposefully Saying (or not Saying) Things That Make You Feel Insecure

They undermine everything you say, refuse to acknowledge excellent ideas if they come from you, invalidate your achievements, or call you names designed to make you think little of yourself (i.e., loser or stupid).

Isolating You and Preventing You From Discovering Your Potential 

Your journey to become self-reliant is put on a pause or worst, to a complete stop. This is because codependency is very common in toxic relationships. Sometimes out of the guise of being overprotective, a toxic partner will discourage you from getting a job, learning to drive, traveling on your own, and meeting new friends. They want you to become entirely reliant on them and make you think that you cannot survive without them. Parents who overstep and impress their influence on your decision-making as an adult are also considered toxic. 

Gaslighting 

Doubting yourself can also result from gaslighting, a particularly insidious form of manipulation and a classic sign of a toxic relationship. It is designed to make you second-guess yourself, feel like you’re at fault, or deserve the bad things happening to you. It can also lead you to think that there’s nothing wrong, that you’re crazy, exaggerating things, or blowing everything out of proportion.  For example, when you attempt to open up about how you feel, a toxic person can say, “I never said that,” “That never happened,” “Stop being a drama queen,” or “If you cared about me, you would…” or, “So and so thinks you’re crazy, too.”

#3 You Struggle to be Yourself Around Them

Toxic relationships are very controlling. You have to measure up to set expectations, become a people-pleaser, and watch out for ticking bombs that can explode when things don’t go their way. It’s impossible for you to feel safe to let your guard down and just be you in all your fullness and glory. 

If you feel uptight, uncomfortable, anxious, or feel that you need to pretend to like or be a different kind of person around someone. Your instincts may be giving you a glaring red flag about your relationship with them.

#4 Utter Disregard for Personal Boundaries

A healthy relationship includes boundaries that communicate your individual values and expectations of how you want to be treated. There are simple communication habits that can effectively improve relationships. Boundaries show the limits of what you are willing to do, say or give without compromising your physical, mental, financial, or emotional well-being. They are your first line of defense against potential manipulation and abuse.

Boundaries can be complex or straightforward and vary from person to person and situation. Here are some examples to give you an idea.

• Not taking work-related calls on weekends or after shifts. 
• Preferring not to discuss personal matters with your colleagues.
• Tell your partner you’re comfortable kissing but hope to take things slow with physical forms of intimacy. 
• Refusing to be contacted when you’re at work so you can focus.
• Not sharing email and social media passwords with your partner.
• Not reconnecting or communicating with toxic relatives and family members.
• Saying it’s not okay to drop by unannounced to friends.
• Being open to mature arguments but not tolerating aggressiveness, such as yelling, name-calling, or cursing.

Toxic people are notorious for disrespecting boundaries. They do not accept no for an answer and will do everything they can to make you change your mind or feel guilty when you stick up for yourself. 

#5 You Don’t Have Your Own Space, Literally and Figuratively

Instead of celebrating individualities and what makes each other unique, a toxic relationship often results in losing sight of oneself, being a shadow of the more dominant partner, and taking up no space for your personal passions or possessions.

This can happen literally and figuratively. You can find yourself in a cluttered home amidst the chaos of things that were never really yours. For example, you’re an artist or a musician but unable to paint or make music anywhere in your shared space because you constantly accommodate your partner’s needs. Maybe they don’t like the mess or the “noise.” 

It can also mean forgetting about the person you once were. Living co-dependently and staying in a toxic relationship for so long, maybe you have given up on your own beliefs, dreams, or even simple preferences.

Toxic Relationships Are Not a Life Sentence; There’s Always a Way Out

Whether at work, with friends, romantic partners, or with parents, I encourage you to be strong and find the courage to stand up for yourself. Take these baby steps to move on and steer clear of all forms of toxic relationships. 

• Distance and protect yourself from toxic people and situations. 
• Be firm about your personal boundaries.
• Know when to pack your bags and call it quits when your boundaries are constantly disrespected.  
• Practice self-care and self-love; you deserve it.
• Do not hesitate to seek professional mental health care and support. 
• If you are in a physically or sexually abusive relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY). Call 911 if you are in immediate danger.

If you recognize these warning signs and feel that you are in a toxic relationship, know that you don’t have to hurt and suffer. Whomever you are and whatever you’ve gone through in life, know you are worthy of being loved and all the good things in life and more.

You May Also Enjoy Reading These Articles

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• What Is Toxic Positivity And Why Isn’t It Helpful?

The post 5 Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship appeared first on HiSensitives.

In this article, Nataly Valdes Thompson shares her story on using your burning heart as a guide for finding purpose in life.

Estimated reading time: 10 minutes

Heartbroken – a burning heart. That is the feeling when situations are too intense, or at least perceived like that.  It is like the universe is collapsing and I explode inside. Suffering becomes physical and it hurts in my chest, like a crystal being broken. 

I was told I was a crystal person, too sensitive, too easy to break. Words were unconsciously creating wounds. I am not easy to break, I am not broken, I am sensitive. Deep and beautiful wisdom has shone brightly through that open crystal.

That burning heart was the feeling when a wound was created. Wounds that leave a mark. They’d become a way to understand yourself and how you experience situations, how you face them and how you overcome them. 

As I see it, personal growth is a journey through that burning heart feeling, that is leading to the deep understanding of your own truth, that is only yours, the rewarding and ultimate beauty that is wisdom.

Lack Of Purpose

The common question, that was at the base of that suffering experience, was nonsense, the lack of purpose. When situations are absurd, that contrast between what I believed was true and full of meaning and suddenly it was not. The questions; what for? It was all a waste of time, love and energy? There was no purpose?    

Those questions arise looking for urgent answers, and they are not optional but mandatory to continue, or else the repeated questions are painful, leading to dysfunctional cycles, where they present themselves in different shapes and confrontations, again and again.

However, the question was about purpose; true and deep purpose.

The Question About The Purpose

The question about purpose has been always present, in each step of my journey. It is unconscious and at the same time really practical, like the gas that moves my actions. Also, it is spiritual. It is like hunger for spiritual food. 

The question about purpose was always an existential one. I did not realize that until now, as a young adult woman. I have recognized the importance that it has for me, because creating a life with purpose determines that I can thrive and stop the creation of wounds.  

Existential questions were born very early in my life, they had to do with time, with death, with existence. I suffered if I did not find some convincing answers. 

Recently, I started to suffer so much at night, with questions that I don’t even know why I keep asking – they made me look to time, to the future, to family, to the very core of values, priorities and choices.

They sound like; what am I doing with my life? I wake up at 2 am with the need to run in the middle of the night, like I made a mistake living in another country, far away from my family; the people I deeply love. Why?

What is the purpose of a life if you don’t get the time to share those awesome memories with them? If I cannot share the beautiful moments of my little boy with my parents and other family members, happiness seems to me more meaningful when it is shared.

However, I have an open mind, I am open to debate and evaluate different scenarios, with different factors. I look for alternatives, but my heart burns, even after I have been making the same decision, “a good decision” for about 5 years, a rational thinking decision.  

I think an intelligent person asks deep questions and awakens the virtue of wisdom, and wisdom is not only rational but also comes from the heart. So I thought I would listen to my burning heart and what it has to say.

Nobody Seems To Understand The Long “Wait And See”  

How is it even possible that you think about the purpose of being in a better country? 

Hours later I was still at home with my little one, a 1 year old boy. I was his world, I had to be the best I could and try to create tiny networks for him, from city to city, looking for little friends and playtime. In each new house, I needed to create the sense of “home”, and I did it. We enjoyed that time, although we needed to move because the successful company that paid our stay has multiple new projects. 

Better? Is it better to be far away from the people that were your support network? It is a difficult question, I don’t know if it is better. When things get really difficult, is it better to be far away from those that truly know you and understand you? Not really, but I just kept telling myself “this is an adventure and a blessing”. I was with my little one and I had some support. 

However, deep down in my heart I wanted some changes, the home sense was something so abstract and so needed, but I kept trying to fit, to adapt, to change that feeling, for others, I decided to wait and see. 

Purpose And The “To Do List” As A Woman 

It was a long “wait and see” process to adapt, without being very convinced, because the discomfort did not really allow me to advance calmly to grow.Always under some stress and the feeling that something needed to be figured out.

Testing and trying, trying to give my best in an environment that felt often like too much to take. 

It was difficult to face another day with no clarity, feeling that confusion, with that question in my heart; why do I feel like this? Like I cannot adapt completely, like I could not fulfill the role that I was expected to conquer. I have my skills, my learning, my strengths, but there is always “that something” in me needing special attention and care. 

The day to day feels demanding, the demand is a long to-do list, I feel it’s almost designed for a superwoman. Why do I need more support? The long “to do list” put together my own demands to myself, the demands from others, the demands of being a woman; mother, wife, a family woman and a professional.

I gave my best, I achieved some goals and still feel disappointed as if I was failing others. At the end of the day I understood a little bit about myself, and that looks tiny, but was really a meaningful gain, because it enlightened some shadows areas. I needed to create a new story about myself, a story that can see some new features, some new meanings. 

Self Knowledge And The Power Of Wisdom

Self knowledge was a key element for healing the wound of being misunderstood. When searching for purpose with no apparent answer and emptiness felt too heavy to carry on.

It was when I finally achieved some answers, that powerful insight from self knowledge. That helped me to stand firmly and believe my feelings were more than valid. I was able to face the world with pride, I was able to adapt the context to my needs. Now wounds were learning medals. From there I started to grow just like a plant that can stretch and receive the nutritious sunlight of some little wisdom.

I gave time for self-knowledge and to understand the virtues and strengths in me.

When you develop a virtue it is like you knock on one of the doors that lead to that house, the mysterious and fascinating house of human experience, where consciousness lives and brings you closer to its voice. The beautiful temptation to approach consciousness, that great diva settled at the top of the temple, luminous, virtuous, nourished, in balance and harmony, reigns as the rooted messenger of the gods. Too powerful to ignore.

Purpose Grows Throughout The Years

I understood that purpose is being constructed slowly, step by step, and that sometimes is interrelated to the purposes of people you are close to. And that the wounds and suffering you went through were a kind work needed to be done, by you to hopefully create healing not only for you but for generations, and that is not understood easily.

I understand that I am sensitive in a way that gives me deep and subtile power, so I can understand clues, be aware and focused on certain things that others cannot see, details and connections that are keys for deep understanding, so I can grow some sensitive aspects of reality with love. I love to help others by showing useful insights and learning together, that is the good part. The good part acts like spiritual food I desperately needed. My own call, my purpose.

On the other hand, if I try to give too much I get sick, overwhelmed, and chaotic, so I need to hold back and calm down, reconnect with things that are nutritious to me like music, art and nature. 

So many years with so many questions were answered in seconds.

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If I unconsciously lose my senses to over stimulating elements (noise, unhealthy food, fast moving pace, intense negativity) I get sick, confused and even depressed. This resulted in physical pain and stress related symptoms. Hence, the nervous system in my body needs silence, darkness and peace in order to recover.

Again, I understood why some medical treatment failed and damaged my system, what I really needed was not that kind of medicine. 

After a long wait I see how my system responds, I notice patterns and recognize I cannot cope in the same way others do with overstimulation and a high performance multi-task style.

I pushed and pushed myself to the edge so many times, to be competitive, learning and practicing skills, being incredibly perseverant, still getting sick and having trouble to really understand why. 

Listening To Your Own Voice

Finally, I earned that insight to be aware that most of my attention focused on trying to fit and respond to external demands. I tried to like others rather than knowing about me and understanding how to use my qualities, and protect myself from the factors that prevent me from being well.  

Consequently, I listened more to others than my own voice. I tried to follow my intuition so many times and I was stopped by prejudice, and rushed in another direction. However, the burning heart was a light that guided the search for answers. I did research, and wrote my own new story, with more meaning because I followed my intuition. All thanks to that burning heart.

As a sensitive woman, I need support from the people I love. I understand that need and respect it as a fact.

I have the right to just stop, see and honor myself and say I can’t fit with those demands; overstimulation is not good for me, nor try to follow a rhythm I perceive as chaotic. I need to make a comprehensive “new to do list” so I don’t get sick, I must be respectful with my nature and my needs, in this way I can give the best my self has to offer. 

I set that as a powerful present purpose: respect and love myself as I am; my nature, being authentic, simple and focused on giving the best I have to offer.

When You Learn You Are A Highly Sensitive Person

It is like you are in a new land to explore and at the same time it is like you finally arrived at home after a long trip, you feel alleviated, so many things make sense. 

Sometimes it is difficult, I have to face criticism and unconscious prejudice. I can not explain I am HSP, because not all people understand. I try to face them with the mindset “we are evolving day to day and learning from one another, and that is the beauty”. We live between different people and have to face challenges to learn and grow.

For me the most healing experience is to rewrite my story with a more comprehensive approach. 

As a sensitive person you need time to warm up and adapt to new situations, you need peace and follow those interests that are actually nutritious for you. You need to answer the questions that are important for you, and live in an environment of respect, collaboration, compassion and freedom, so you can thrive.

You May Also Enjoy Reading These Articles

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The post Burning Heart: A Powerful Guide For Wisdom And Finding Purpose appeared first on HiSensitives.

In this article guest writer Lisa Redmond shares how she overcame people-pleasing and learned to speak her truth and set boundaries with others.

Estimated reading time: 11 minutes

Ever since I was a child I was aware that I was different.

More ‘feely’, deeper, more connected to the spirit world, much more sensitive than others around me. I was always wandering off and talking to ‘imaginary friends’.

I craved connection more than anything. Being so different from my family of origin, I felt like there was something wrong with me.

As I grew up I developed strong friendships and bonds with people around me. Also, I found my sense of belonging there.

The Consequences Of My Attunement To Others Without Having Boundaries

Because I was so attuned to how others felt and had no real sense of self, I started to develop codependent and people-pleasing tendencies.

I would bend over backwards for people who would give very little in return. I was terrified to ever disagree with my friends or speak up about what I wanted.

When I got into romantic relationships I would completely lose myself trying to be loved and ‘chosen’ by them, without any regard for my own needs. At work I was taken advantage of and treated badly by employers because I didn’t know how to say no or speak up.

I lived in constant anxiety of being fired or rejected, because it would validate my deepest fears that I wasn’t good enough.

Also, I knew I was a sensitive and nice person and I believed that I could never be ‘tough’ enough to speak up and stand my ground.

Consequently, I had no understanding that healthy relationships needed boundaries. I ended up so burned out and disconnected from myself that I started to pull away from people and isolate myself, as a form of self protection.

I knew that whenever I was around others I would people-please and abandon myself, and the only way I knew how to keep my sense of self was to disconnect from others. 

What I Learned From These Challenges

As with everything, we learn through contrast, and things had to get really low for me to realize that I couldn’t go on the way I’d been living. It wasn’t healthy for me or my relationships. That’s when I started to learn about boundaries and why they are so important.  

Over the next few years I dove deep into personal development. I went to therapy and consumed hundreds of hours of personal development content. I started to heal my traumas, developed self love and began showing up more authentically in my relationships. 

Here’s what I learned along the way:

People-Pleasing Damages Your Self-esteem

When you are constantly denying your reality in favour of someone else’s, you send the message to your subconscious that you aren’t as important as other people.

This can massively damage your self-worth, which then furthers the codependent cycle of looking outwards for validation.

People-Pleasing Is A Maladaptive Coping Strategy, Rooted In Control

I used to equate people-pleasing with being ‘good’. I thought that it made me a nice person because I was always trying to help others by putting them above myself. Anything that our ego attaches to being ‘good’ is incredibly hard to shift.

When I started to learn more about people-pleasing (mostly through Christine Hassler’s podcast), I realized that my people-pleasing habit was completely selfish, because it came from my inability to face conflict.

It was more about controlling other people’s view of me than it was about being genuinely available for them.

This helped me to shift into authenticity, because I realized that that is what healthy relationships actually require.

Boundaries Are Kind

Before I learned to set boundaries, I used to think in such polarities.

I thought that I could be ‘tough’ and have boundaries or be ‘kind’ and be a doormat. Now I see that boundaries are kind.

They’re about honestly letting people know where you stand and trusting in their own resources to handle that.

It prevents resentment, miscommunication and bad energy between people, and that feels a lot kinder to me.

People Might React Negatively To Your Boundaries – That Doesn’t Mean You Shouldn’t Have Them

When people are used to you playing a certain role in their life, they might be unhappy when you start to change that role.

Other people’s resistance can be an uncomfortable side effect of setting boundaries, but it doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t set them.

In fact, I’ve found the people who react most negatively to your boundaries are the ones who have none themselves, and are usually the people you need them with the most. 

We Create The World We Want To See By Modeling Healthy Behavior

Setting boundaries gives other people permission to do the same. By advocating for our needs, we teach people how to treat us.

This also models boundaries for others and shows them that they too can speak their truth.

When I struggle to have hard conversations or set boundaries, I remind myself of my values.

I want to live in a world where people can be their authentic and honest selves. Therefore I need to create that world through how I show up in my relationships.

What Setting Boundaries Did For My Overall Well-Being

Setting boundaries has completely changed my life. I’m so much more secure in myself. I no longer isolate because I trust myself not to self abandon.

My relationships are much more fulfilling and I don’t have the same resentment or anxiety underpinning my interactions. I’ve learned that I can stay connected to others while remaining connected to myself.

I’m so passionate about self-love and relationships that I even created a coaching business around it. 

So many people vacillate between hyper-independence and codependency, believing that they need to choose between themselves and other people.

I know the pain of that, because I used to believe the same thing.

What I’ve learned is that real joy comes from learning the skills and building the self-love that allows you to have both.

After all, that’s what we truly deserve.

If you’d like to learn more about setting healthy boundaries, you may enjoy reading the book ‘Boundaries For Empaths: A Life Changing Guide to Set Healthy Boundaries as an Empath or Highly Sensitive Person and Enforcing Your Standards‘.

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• 10 Powerful Ways To Stop Being A People-Pleaser
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• How To Set Healthy Social Boundaries As An Introvert

The post How To Stop People-Pleasing, Speak Authentically And Set Boundaries As An HSP appeared first on HiSensitives.

In this guest article, wellbeing and development coach Thomas Lai shares his journey about discovering a sense of identity and belonging.

Estimated reading time: 9 minutes

What does it mean to belong? Is our sense of belonging tied to a specific place, particular people, and outer conditions? The sense of belonging is one of our basic human needs. It helps us orient each other in an ever-changing environment. Belonging offers us a secure foundation to develop our capacity for love, self-expression, understanding, and relating to others. It also helps give us a sense of purpose.

In many cultures, belonging means being more or less like everyone else, sharing the same values, views, and attitudes. Even in cultures that celebrate individualism, there is a tendency to align ourselves with people who are most similar to us. But is there more to belonging than defining us and them?

In this article, I am going to share my journey of finding a sense of belonging in the world. I will also share some strategies I learned that helped me along the way.

Identity and Belonging 

My struggle with belonging has always been tied to my struggle with identity. Over time, I began to see my identity as a system made up of different aspects. I’m going to present five aspects of my identity system: cultural, social, psychological, gender and sexuality. These aspects intersect with one another. Getting clarity on each one helped me better understand myself and my relation to the world.

Cultural Identity

One of my earliest challenges is related to cultural identity. Growing up in Canada as an immigrant, the Western values I had embraced conflicted with the traditional East-Asian values held by my family. To adapt to both worlds, I created two personas: the ‘outside home me’ and the ‘at home me’. I associated my ‘outside home me’ as the real me and the ‘at home me’ to be the inhibited version of myself. Unfortunately, the split I had created left me feeling estranged from my heritage and my family.

Social Identity 

I’ve always been a social nomad. I would rarely stay in one social group for very long. Like an anthropologist, I was curious about different types of people, but I never saw myself as a committed member. Somehow being a visitor just stopping by felt natural to me. I found change stimulating and being free to roam allowed me to expand and evolve as a person. The downside was that moving around from one group to another made it difficult for me to maintain close and meaningful relationships. 

Psychological Identity 

Before I knew about high-sensitivity, I learned that I was an Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling and Judging type (INFJ) – supposedly the rarest personality type according to the Myers Briggs personality assessment. Understanding my typology and psychological traits helped me understand myself better and validated what I had experienced in my life. But getting too attached to these psychological profiles also reinforced my sense of alienation. 

Gender Identity 

As a quiet, meek, and physically frail boy, I never fit into the masculine stereotype. I received many negative comments about my appearance and behavioral traits as I was growing up. Important people in my life would say things to me like: “you’re too skinny” or “you need to deepen your voice and sound more like a man.” Such comments damaged my self-esteem as a young man and their effects continued to impact me as an adult. This also had a great impact on my sense of belonging.

Sexual Identity

Growing up in the 90s, I was fortunate to have access to online communities where other LGBT people connected to share their experiences. At the time, however, we lacked the language to describe the variations of our experiences. So, as someone who currently identifies as gay, gray-ace, and being on the aromantic spectrum, I had a difficult time finding my place in the ‘LGBT’ (pre-LGBTQIA) community.

If you’d like to read more about sexual identity, make sure to check out the book ‘The ABC’s of LGBT+’.

The Consequences Of Not Knowing How And Where I Belong 

Although the identity-based challenges I presented are each distinct, they also influence each other as I engage in the world. As a result of the co-mingling of various identity challenges, I experienced the following consequences in my life. 

Lacking Emotional Support 

Since I struggled to find my place in different communities (Asian, creative, LGBT and spiritual), I found myself often without emotional and social support. While I took pride in being a lone-wolf type, it also meant that I had to really take care of myself. Over time, this fierce independence also made me avoid asking others for help when I needed it. The consequence: I placed a lot of stress on myself which created more overwhelm in my life. 

Living In Fear 

The more I noticed how I was different, the more self-conscious I became. The harder I tried to fit in to develop a sense of belonging, the more embarrassed I felt when the results didn’t turn out well. Sometimes the shame is self-inflicted. Other times, other people’s reactions and insensitivity would trigger my shame. In time, I associated social interaction as a high-risk activity that is best avoided. Life became a fearful experience in which anything during the day could trigger a deep sense of shame. 

Disconnecting From The Physical World 

To help myself deal with the confusion surrounding belonging and identity, I would often retreat into my inner world of concepts and ideas. Living in my head led me to ruminate a lot which often exacerbated the emotional turmoil. It also disconnected me from my body – I experienced the world as a floating head that dragged a wispy body around. Living outside my body prevented me from being in touch with my own emotional experience as well as my connection with the earth. 

Lacking Long-Standing Relationships 

Seeing myself as an ephemeral cloud that no one can grasp kept me from forming long-term relationships. Part of me wanted to maintain my independence and freedom, and yet there was a part of me that wanted a sense of closeness and intimacy with others. Often, this intimate bond forms over time between people. And since I was a social nomad, I ended up with many underdeveloped short-term relationships that could not fulfill that deeper need. 

Missing Out On Opportunities 

Being an introverted highly sensitive man meant I would sometimes lose out on life and career opportunities. I would be perceived by others as being a ‘beta male’, someone who is less assertive or lacking drive in a capitalist society. Unable to resonate with many of the things our society values – such as money, sex, and power – I began to wonder if perhaps I was broken or lacked personal drive.

How I Managed To Develop A Sense Of Belonging & Identity

I can’t say that I’ve completely eradicated these challenges in my life. However, through years of inner work, I’m now at a place where I know and feel a bigger sense of belonging in the world. For me, it was important to realize that this is a life-long journey towards wholeness or individuation. Here are some strategies I learned to help me recognize that I belong. 

Embracing Multidimensionality

Instead of trying to fit into simplistic models, I tried to acknowledge that everyone is multidimensional. I am many things that overlap and intersect to create the unique expression of life that I am. I became more curious and began to learn more about my background and other cultures. This helped me to reconnect with my heritage, various communities, and all the diversity that exists on this planet. 

Recognizing Commonalities

Instead of just noticing what set me apart from others, I now try to also acknowledge where we share commonalities. Everyone is looking to be accepted and understood. And we’re all doing our very best to make life work in a world that is sometimes unpredictable. Realizing the ways we are the same helped me be more compassionate towards myself and others. 

Celebrating Personal Strengths

Focusing on my strengths rather than weaknesses has been particularly helpful. I’ve harnessed my sensitivity to create expressive works of art, tune in to others on a deeper level, draw subtle connections, and sense the unseen patterns that play out in the world. These are gifts that I can further develop to benefit society. When I honor my strengths and nurture my interests, I feel empowered to seize opportunities that align with my values.

Cultivating A Sense Of Embodiment

Through embodiment practices, particularly The Realization Process developed by Dr. Judith Blackstone, I am learning to inhabit my body more while being in the world.  By inhabiting my body, I feel more grounded and fuller within myself. It gives me a sense of stability, which helps keep me from being easily blown away like a paper doll. By developing a better relationship with my body, I’ve also gained insights into the ways I neglect parts of emotional experience. 

Being Fully Present With Other People

When I meet a new group of people, I try to ask myself: what does this relationship invite me to share with them in this present moment? Maybe someday we will move apart, and that’s okay. What’s important is that I commit to being present with who is in front of me so we can together explore the full potentiality of our interaction. By doing so, I find myself building more sustaining relationships over time. 

Coming Into Contact With The Numinous 

I’ve recorded dreams, journaled, and practiced mindfulness and meditation for many years. All this inner work gave me greater insight into my ego self and my true nature. Attending meditation retreats also helped me connect with others who were often also highly sensitive, introverted, and sometimes even queer. My spiritual practice helps me come into greater contact with the deepest part of me – that which is unchanging and ever-present in all of us.

Finding Myself In The Bigger Whole

In conclusion, I finally found a sense of belonging not by fixating on a specific place or group. Rather, by seeing myself as part of a diverse global community, I feel interconnected with the human condition that we all share. And by having an ongoing relationship with my inner self and body, I found a sense of home within myself. In his book At Home in the World, psychoanalyst John Hill states eloquently: “So rather than a stable state, being at home in the world embodies a process, a dialogue between self and world, the inner and outer, the subjective and the objective.” I hope the insights I’ve gained will also help you uncover a true sense of belonging. 

You May Also Enjoy Reading These Articles

• How To Create A Sensory Garden To Indulge Your Senses
• How To Be More Present In The Here And Now As A Highly Sensitive Person

The post Discovering Your Sense Of Identity and Belonging In This World appeared first on HiSensitives.

In this article, Anne-Kathrin talks about her experiences regarding healing from maladaptive perfectionism. After deep conditioning to believe that perfectionism is the only way, she overcame the constant need to fit that standard. In this article, she shares how she managed to do so.

Estimated reading time: 10 minutes

Our society strives for perfectionism. Social media, movies and magazines continuously confront us with picture perfect. Models who look nothing like themselves after a Photoshop session. People with perfect daily routines acting like they never have a bad day. Entrepreneurs acting like they always had thousands of dollars in the bank and didn’t face any struggles during their entrepreneurship journey.

This creates the illusion that life always is perfect. Sadly, this illusion embedded itself deeply in our society and people in all types of functions carry this standard onward to future generations.

Consequently, many people struggle with maladaptive perfectionism. Maladaptive perfectionism occurs when healthy perfectionism turns into obsessive, overly self-critical behavior regarding one’s own performance.

In this article, I am going to share my own story about developing maladaptive perfectionism. Also, I will share concrete tips about healing from maladaptive perfectionism.

How I Developed Maladaptive Perfectionism

I was not born a perfectionist. As an extroverted, highly sensitive child with loving parents, the first six years of my life were great. I have many wonderful memories from playing outside in our garden, spending time with my family and just being a child.

However, that changed when I started going to school. Here, I suddenly faced an authoritative figure who seemed to only acknowledge perfectionism. For four years, I was confronted with the message that you only are good enough if you get straight A’s.

Children who did not write within the lines were screamed at. We were put in circles of shame when one of us did something that this person did not approve. When we did not get a straight A, this person would ask why in front of the entire class, shaming us for our ‘bad’ achievements.

It would go as far as shaming us for our lunch choices. This resulted in me not eating my lunch, whenever I believed that it would not fit the picture perfect of that authoritative figure. Every day I would cry before going to school, because I was under so much pressure. This is where my perfectionism (and low self-esteem) was born.

The Consequences Of Maladaptive Perfectionism In My Life

Years of emotional abuse from this authority in my life left an imprint on my highly sensitive nervous system. Even after leaving this situation and being in a new environment, I felt the constant urge to be perfect.

Whenever I did anything school-related, I would feel stressed, start overthinking and worry about the results of my work. As I grew older and started working, I’d struggle with low self-esteem and not seeing my talents. After all, there always was room for improvement and more perfectionism. At least, I was convinced there was.

In friendships, I would dread conflicts and avoid confrontation as much as possible. Consequently, I became a real people-pleaser. Additionally, this fear of not being perfect and good enough translated itself into my first relationships with men.

I would do whatever they asked of me in fear of not being good enough for them. Moreover, I’d struggle with setting boundaries, as I was afraid that this did not fit the picture of the perfect girlfriend.

As you can see, the pattern that I learned in school repeated itself in different forms later on in my life. I would let people trespass my boundaries out of fear of not being good enough. For 22 years, I did not see that. However, everything changed when I met my fiancé.

Healing From Maladaptive Perfectionism

When I met my fiancé, I was confronted with the fact that my past consisted of this pattern of pleasing others out of fear of not being perfect.

He is such a stable, kind and loving person who loves me just the way I am, with all my ‘flaws’ and ‘imperfections’. I was not used to that. For the first time, I learned to love and accept myself just the way I am. Consequently, after dating him for a few months, I realized what I actually put up with in my past.

That was when I hit rock bottom. All the suppressed emotions and pain from past negative experiences arose. All at once, they hit me like a tsunami. The anger, sadness, frustration, hate and helpnessness from the past 22 years overwhelmed me to a state where I could not deal with it on my own.

I knew that in order to heal from maladaptive perfectionism and the emotional abuse, I had to get help. Consequently, I started my healing journey by seeing a therapist.

During therapy I talked about everything that I have experienced in my life and I was diagnosed with c-PTSD. Additionally, my therapist mentioned that I should look into the term HSP and empath.

After discovering and identifying with these traits, everything fell into place for me. Finally, I could start healing from maladaptive perfectionism, as I understood myself on a deeper level.

4 Things I Learned While Healing From Maladaptive Perfectionism

In the past 7 years, I focussed on working through the different layers of traumas I have experienced. In this journey, I came across countless personal growth tips that did wonders for me on many different levels. Here are 4 things I learned while healing from perfectionism:

#1 There Is No Perfectionism Scale

The first insight that helped me greatly, was to realize that there is nobody who determines when something truly is perfect. There is no such thing as a perfection scale once you grow up. Oftentimes, perfectionists are convinced that their work always could be better or that it isn’t good enough.

However, there is no limit to perfection. In fact, perfection is very individual and everybody looks at it differently. What could be a bad piece of work for you, could be wonderful for somebody else! There is no standard.

This realization helped me to be somewhat easier on myself. I am not back in elementary school where I have to get straight A’s in order to be good enough. As long as I give it my best shot and full attention and expertise, it is good enough.

#2 Ditch Comparing Yourself To Others

Another important aha-moment in my healing journey from perfectionism, was to ditch comparing myself to others. Social media makes it very easy for us to fall into the comparison trap.

However, it is important to realize that there only is one person you can compare yourself to, and that is yourself. Nobody else out there has faced the exact same life circumstances you have. Consequently, it would be incredibly unfair to compare yourself to them, as your experience was very different from theirs.

What helped me in healing from perfectionism, was to look at my own growth. As a writer, I have written countless articles throughout the years. Whenever I doubt myself, I look at articles I wrote two years ago and compare it to what I do now. And you know what? I always see growth.

This knowledge provides me with great inner peace, knowing that I grow continuously without even consciously being aware of it.

#3 Increase Your Self-Esteem

Perfectionism often goes paired with low self-esteem. Hence, I learned to increase my self-esteem to tackle my maladaptive perfectionism. There are many different ways to increase your self-esteem, but I found the practices below to be very powerful.

I highly recommend you to implement practices in your life that help you to learn appreciate yourself more. For instance, I found journaling to be incredibly helpful. At the end of the day, I reflect on everything I did and achieved. I ask myself questions such as:

• What did go well today?
• Which talents within myself did I utilize well today?
• How can I learn from things that did not go so well today?

Also, I express gratitude for what I experience in my life. Whether it is a small achievement like landing a new client or a bigger achievement like hitting my revenue goals; I try to celebrate everything.

By appreciating what I do in the here and now, I feel more at peace and comfortable with what I do in daily life.

If you are looking for a great journal to start your journaling practice, you may enjoy the journal ‘Self-Care: A Day and Night Reflection Journal’. It helps you to develop a journaling practice.

#4 Replace Limiting Beliefs

Another practice I found to be powerful in reducing and healing from maladaptive perfectionism, was to replace limiting beliefs.

Limiting beliefs such as ‘I am not good enough’ or ‘I don’t deserve as much as others’ were deeply rooted in my system due to the trauma I experienced in the past.

In therapy, I discovered the cause of these beliefs. However, even when you know that these limiting beliefs stem from specific experiences, it can be hard to get rid of them immediately. After all, our brains are so used to these neurological pathways, that it may feel challenging to create new, more positive pathways.

You could almost see it like walking in nature on a path that is very defined and suddenly having to walk through tall grass, where nobody walked before.

The first few times, it is challenging to walk through that tall grass. However, the more you do it, the more defined that new path becomes. On the other hand, the other old path, which you use less and less, fades away as the grass grows over it. That is what happens in your brain when you actively work on replacing limiting beliefs.

How I Replace My Limiting Beliefs

There are different ways to replace your limiting beliefs. For instance, I am a big fan of positive affirmations. Every day, I repeat positive affirmation statements to myself before starting my day or beginning a challenging task.

Whenever I notice that my old, limiting beliefs are taking over, I do the following:

1. I take a few deep breaths
2. Then, I acknowledge that this is happening.
3. I forgive myself lovingly for this old thought.
4. Then, I replace it with a new, more positive affirmation statement.
5. Finally, I try to believe and feel the positive affirmation statement in my body.

By consciously being aware of the fact that you just ‘walked’ an old path within your brain and choosing to walk the new path instead, you teach your brain to stop walking this path.

This does not happen overnight. Remember that it works like the metaphor that I used; you have to walk a new path many times to define a clear pathway. Also, try to use the old pathways less and less in order for them to vanish.

Therefore, be patient with yourself when using affirmations and give it a try on a daily basis. Believe what you say with your whole body. By connecting your thought with your emotions, the pathway will be created easier than if you just repeat it without feeling it in your body.

If you’d like to read more about tackling limiting beliefs, you may enjoy the book ‘Personality Isn’t Permanent: Break Free from Self-Limiting Beliefs and Rewrite Your Story’.

Be Patient With Yourself

I am grateful for being able to share my personal story regarding healing from maladaptive perfectionism with you. I know that this is something many highly sensitive people struggle with.

Therefore, I hope that my tips help you to feel more happiness, inner peace and joy in your life. It is possible to heal your perfectionism. Be patient with yourself in your healing journey and give yourself the time you need to heal. By implementing some of the tips that I provided, I know that you will manage to overcome perfectionism as well. Good luck on your healing journey!

If you’d like to read more about tackling perfectionism, have a look at the book Perfectionism: A Practical Guide to Managing “Never Good Enough”

Share Your Personal Growth Story

Every Monday, we share personal growth stories from highly sensitive people and empaths on our platform. If you’d like to share your own story and wisdom with our readers, read more about submitting your story here.

You May Also Enjoy Reading These Articles

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The post Healing From Maladaptive Perfectionism: How To Overcome The Need To Be Perfect appeared first on HiSensitives.

On a regular basis, we share stories from highly sensitive people. In this story highly sensitive Nikki shares her story about the importance of a tidy home.

Estimated reading time: 4 minutes

There Are Many Things HSP’s Can’t Control

I can’t remember when I found out that I am highly sensitive. In fact, I don’t know if I actually am a HSP, or if there is more behind it. I have no idea, but I know for sure that I feel highly sensitive. Also, I am quite introverted, which does not make life easier for me.

As you probably know by now, there are a number of characteristics that are common in highly sensitive people. Often, we have no control over the input we receive from our environment. Whether it are loud sounds, bright lights, strong smells, violence in the news or clothing that irritates your skin and is not comfortable: sometimes it is terribly difficult to do something about it. We simply cannot control it. But we can deal with some things as highly sensitive individuals. For example our houses and the rooms inside them.

Why A Tidy Home Is Important

We have the choice to consciously make something of our homes that makes us feel comfortable. It is our safe temple in a busy world; a place where we can recharge and where we can relax after a tough day. This does not only apply to highly sensitive people, but to everyone.

A tidy house is one of those things that assures this comfortable feeling. If your house is a mess, you might feel like a mess from the inside as well. This restless feeling results in relaxation becoming more difficult. Mess inside the house is extra stimuli, which again results in that we experience stress and feel overwhelmed. This often applies to everyone, also the less sensitive ones, but for a highly sensitive person this can be extra challenging.

Overcoming Fears And Setting Boundaries

I experienced this myself. To elaborate, I occasionally suffer from depressive periods in which I often leave things around the house. I do not really tidy up in those periods, which again causes me to have to process more stimuli. Often, I have no energy for that, which again results in a longer depression (although I am a very tidy person!). In order to get a better grip on this (and because I actually really like it and find it interesting), I became a professional organizer. I have learned methods to deal with this in a better way and to help others, because that is something I prefer to do: to help others!

Starting My Own Company

In good spirits, I started my company Tidy Life after my education. I wanted to help people to create a tidy home. However, as soon as I had set it up, I ran into certain challenges. Challenges such as finding clients. Acquisition is not really something that I am good at as an introvert. I actually had to go to people’s homes. Enter their house to help them in their journey towards a tidy home. On my own. That threshold turned out to be much greater than I had thought.

That is why I started practicing with friends and acquaintances. And generally that went well, but I also went to places that were very stimulating. For example, one of my test clients had loud music on, and there was a smell of cigarette smoke. Well, how do you deal with that? In my general terms and conditions I then set out the conditions for the space where I will be working, which gave me a lot of inner peace.

The Search For Happiness

But no matter how proud I was of my tidy home company and how much I wanted to help, the threshold turned out to be too high. In the end, I resumed full-time employment in mid-July last year and I quit working on my company last month. Because of my health, but also because I could not step over that threshold. Therefore, I am still searching for how to deal with my high sensitivity (and introvertedness). And that is why I am so happy with HiSensitives. Because you are never too old to work on yourself and I am convinced that people can grow. And that’s what I’m going to do. And who knows what the future will bring me.

Do You Want To Share Your Story?

Is there anything related to your trait that you want to share with us and other highly sensitive people? Feel free to submit your story to us via a private message on Facebook or by e-mail: contact@hisensitives.com
Attach a photo to your story and we will publish it on our blog and social media (after proofreading and correcting eventual grammar mistakes).

You can choose if you want to publish your story with your own photo or anonymously. In case you want to publish it anonymously, please mention it in your message to us.

We can’t wait to read and share your stories! 

You May Also Enjoy Reading These Articles

• Stories From HSP’s: First Dream, Then Do!
• How To Help People In Your Life Without Being Manipulative

The post Stories From HSP’s: The Importance Of A Tidy Home appeared first on HiSensitives.

On a regular basis, we share stories from highly sensitive people. In this story, Anne-Kathrin, co-founder of HiSensitives, shares one of her experiences.

Estimated reading time: 2 minutes

Dream, Then Do!

Sometimes, you start your day with such low self-esteem and loads of anxiety that you would prefer to just stay in bed. I had one of those days today. But I did not stay in bed.

Instead, I took a shower, put on clothes and nice make-up, ate delicious food, took a walk with my dog and eventually pushed myself out of my comfort zone.

For far too long, I have been only dreaming and not doing. Out of fear of failing, I did not do, I only dreamt. And eventually, my fear grew, because I did not do. The longer I waited, the bigger the fear of failure became and the more my self-esteem decreased. So today, I pulled myself out of my dreams and started doing.

At first, it felt scary and it felt unnatural to do what I for so long had feared to do! But as I continued pushing past my comfort zone, the more natural it became and the more ‘me’ it felt. What for so long lingered as a fear inside of me, now had gone.

What if I was able to apply this behavior each day, and to just do instead of dreaming? Where would I be in a year if I applied this way of life every. single. day?

I believe that my overthinking tendencies due to my HSP trait sometimes stand between me dreaming and me actually doing. So it felt quite good to turn this little voice inside of me off for an hour to just DO!

Dreaming is good, but doing is better!

Do You Want To Share Your Story?

Is there anything related to your trait that you want to share with us and other highly sensitive people? Feel free to submit your story to us via a private message on Facebook or by e-mail: contact@hisensitives.com

Attach a photo to your story and we will publish it on our blog and social media (after proofreading and correcting eventual grammar mistakes).

You can choose if you want to publish your story with your own photo or anonymously. In case you want to publish it anonymously, please mention it in your message to us.

We can’t wait to read and share your stories! 

You May Also Enjoy Reading These Articles

• Stories From HSP’s: The Importance Of A Tidy Home
• ‘Sunshine And The Power Of Words’: A Powerful Book For HSP Children

The post Stories From HSP’s: First Dream, Then Do! appeared first on HiSensitives.